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This time it was different.

Bobby (a nickname from when he was a kid, before he grew to 6´3 and weighs in at 245 pounds) had a look of desperation when he asked me to call him that afternoon - before I left town.

As it happened I was not flying out the next day, so when he asked me to stop by their plant I agreed.

The room was divided using those half-metal half-glass dividers like we used to see in banks, sales bullpens, etc. My guy was sitting in the middle one. I found out later that his dad occupied the one on his left and his uncle Fred the one on the right.

As I walked in (still wearing my trench coat) he stood up behind his desk. In his hand was a 3x5 card that he stuck in my face. On it he had written, " Can´t talk here - I´ll give you a tour - We can go out for coffee." (I still have the card) So I quickly suggested that while I had my coat on - would he give me the 10-cent tour of their place.

Once outside he told me his problem. Their industry had been pounded by foreign competition for the last decade. His siblings and his cousins had been convinced ("heck, we were all convinced") that they were doomed - so all of them left but him. That was ten years ago and now the market for their products have changed.

Technologies, import tariffs, all sorts of things have changed. Some that they caused to happen, some they did not. A lot of their domestic competitors had gone out of business during the bad times. They had purchased a couple of their competitors - those with valuable patents etc. Theirs was the company left standing in their industry.

So - what´s the problem? His dad had been talking with his older brother. Seems he has not exactly hit the jackpot in the hard cruel world - and wants to come back. His uncle´s son and daughter´s husband have expressed an interest in the business as well. They are brining their kids to town for the holidays and he plans to talk about the business with them.

You see - being in those prehistoric cubicles allows the successor to hear his dad and his uncle talk to the folks who deserted the ship when they thought it was sinking. But who now feel they are entitled to a seat at the table.

Since he, his dad, and his uncle have been 100% focused on saving the company - no one considered the result they were creating. After 10 years (out of the 15 he has worked there) the company has tripled in value. There are no documents in place that give him any credit for the effort. His dad and his uncle still own the company. They have said many times that, "someday all this will be yours" - but will it?

The poor guy was worrying himself to death. He was convinced that the others were going to show up one day and either he would not be able to get along with them, or one of them would become his boss (they all had more college education that him). Or - and maybe this would be worse - he would keep working there (and worrying) - not knowing what the future would be.

He was a wreck. And he wanted some sort of magic solution from me, based on his 15-minute explanation of the mess he found himself in. To me the options we clear - and the time to act was right then. And continuing to do nothing was no longer an option.

First he had to find a time to talk with his dad and his uncle - in private without interruption and as soon as possible. Why sooner rather than later? Well he is the successor in residence. - They rely on him today, perhaps they actually know how important he is but are not talking about it.

The others (siblings and cousins) are not there and it will take months and months for them to develop any real understanding about what´s going on there. The conversation will put his dad and uncle on notice that he is aware and concerned.

I did not suggest a confrontation - there would be plenty of time for that later depending on how things worked out. I just meant a clearing of the air - making it clear that he enjoyed the part he had played helping the company through the challenges of the past and was looking forward to its future growth.

But he was getting more and more uncomfortable not knowing their plans for the long-term ownership and management of the business. We went through several dialogues - what would he say next if… and so forth.

Here are some thoughts from Dan Elash - our frequent contributor - strategies and important insights that Bobby (and you) might consider when wading into these difficult waters.

One way or the other, Bobby was going to have this conversation.

• He was at least going to have it all in his head. He would play all of the parts and draw his own conclusions and avoid the conversation in the real world.
• He could have the conversation at home, at night with his wife, and the two of them what ascribe motives and fill in the conversation for all of the players.
• He could just reach the point where he could no longer stand the stress any longer one day, and precipitate an of the cuff conversation/ambush one day.
• He could treat this conversation with the importance that it deserves and prepare his side but surprise his dad and uncle.
• He could arrange for all of them to come together to discuss their plans, hear his concerns and turn the conversation into a problem solving process.
• There are myriad other alternatives – they raise exponentially based upon the number of other players involved (and having their own multiparty conversations in their own heads!). We´ll just look at the ones that Bobby can control.

Avoiding the conversation that surfaces the issue has two out comes. Both of them would be disruptive. In either internal conversation, his fears will script a worse case scenario. He will manufacture reasons why his dad and uncle won´t listen (or care) about him (his feelings) and he will decide to nurse his wounds until he leaves (or precipitates his departure from) the company. Alienating himself from his totally puzzled dad and uncle.

In the other scenario, he will listen to his fears but find a way to swallow his pride and stay. At best he will be greatly distracted. At worst, he´ll become embittered and angry. Even if, his dad and uncle do right by his done the line, there will have been years of caustic internal dialogue that will leave scars and impair his ability to lead long term. (His fears could be 100% accurate but the point is that handling his fears this way can ONLY lead to a negative outcome.)

Talking to your spouse isn´t bad if it is preliminary and if you are seeking a more objective perspective as you are testing out your thoughts. However, usually your spouse is biased – his/her future is tied up in the outcome too – hopefully your spouse is really on YOUR side – your spouse´s perspective has probably been colored by hearing only/mostly your side of events day-to-day. Ideally, your spouse will help you to develop multiple explanations for the things that you don´t understand. S/he may help you maintain the rational perspective needed to consider even emotional issues.

For you to have the necessary conversations successfully, you have to sort out your own emotional agenda first. What do you want? What are you willing to accept as a truly workable compromise – and what is unacceptable? Are your fears or worries leading you to ascribe motives/feelings to others, perhaps unfairly? Are you accurately assessing your contributions to this point? Are you accurately assessing your readiness to handle what you want?

Your spouse can be a valuable asset in helping you to sort out your side. Your spouse might help you to stay positive about moving into a difficult situation. But your spouse can only help you get ready for the conversations that you need to have. It can´t end with her or him. You´ve got to move to the source. (You´re also ultimately responsible for seeking reasonable coaching if you KNOW that your spouse is too involved to be objective.)

Uncertainty is the most devastating stress that people face. If you hold it in - it will erode you – physically, emotionally and/or spiritually. This leads people to just get "fed up" one day and blurt something out in a desperate attempt to ease the pressure. These off the cuff conversations are usually emotional, often confrontational and they often lack the groundwork to be truly productive.

These are complex issues. All of the key players have more on their minds than this and they often have other issues that might have nothing to do with Bobby and/or that are related to things about Bobby that he really isn´t aware of. With an issue this fraught with explosive emotions and opinions off the cuff is seldom the strategy of choice.

Setting the ambush usually leads to defensive behavior on the part of the people being surprised – DUH. It seldom engenders feelings of trust and good will. You´ve respected yourself well enough to get yourself (your thinking, your experience and your ideas of how to get from here to the goal) you´ll increase the odds for success if you give the other people you´re drawing into the conversation.

Just an aside, if your best strategy is to deal with this on an emotional level, no matter what the positions of the others, I´d question your readiness to lead. A leader is a person who can picture what should be, draw others into that vision and then move the peanut from here toward there.

Creating a dialogue for creating a win/win outcome. There are tons of books and programs teaching, preaching and screeching about how to communicate. I´m not suggesting that you don´t try to build your skills. However, as the situation has been presented in the story, the solution is about more than Bobby. Bobby can learn to communicate till the cows come home. If his dad and uncle are anything like my dad they´d say, "Cut that psychology crap, kid. Here´s how it is."

Success will come with everyone being involved in the same process – a complex negotiation in which people have different and possibly conflicting needs and agendas. When the issue is surfaced, Bobby may be surprised to find that everyone is pretty much on the same page. If they aren´t, however, then you are in the middle of a highly crucial, delicate negotiation about the future of the company. You and they have to become aware of that. If there are significant disconnects then the best way to think of it is as a complex negotiation.

Going Forward. Bobby needs to test the waters. Chart a course around the shoals and reefs. He needs to frame what he is trying to achieve as being about his view of what is best for everyone concerned. He needs to seek an "everyone wins" outcome from the beginning. His dad and uncle may need to be helped to join in. Once that common platform has been established a mature, business focused negotiation can begin.

If that can´t happen, Bobby can still decide what he has to do, but his options will be based on reality.

So you ask, what REALLY occurred? Bobby stopped at the coffee shop where his dad and Uncle Fred always had breakfast. He began the conversation with pictures of little Bobby´s summer baseball exploits. It was easy to get into his concerns about having the money for Bobby´s and his sister´s college tuition. That lead naturally to his fears about having to work with "the others" in the event some of them returned to the company and they could not get along.

Both his dad and Uncle Fred were shocked. Shocked that he would think that they would not "take care of him" and assured him that while there had been talk about the others - both his dad and Uncle Fred were too bitter about the way the kids had abandoned the company when times were tough.

So often we imagine the worst of others and fear the unknown outcomes. We see ourselves as unworthy. For Bobby (and the others) it was a simple matter of sitting down and talking about it.

That was almost 10 years ago. Bobby´s son has a Masters Degree in business and is helping the company grow into the 4th generation. Uncle Fred passed away leaving his interest to his widow and cash for his kids. Big Bob (Bobby´s dad) lives in Scottsdale and Calls Bobby with advice once a week or so. It is a storybook ending.

Because they were willing to do the difficult thing - talk about the future with the people who control it - while there was still time to make a difference.