Come to think of it, they ring true for almost everyone, whether in business or not. There simply isn't enough time for all there is to do.

Chaos, complexity, uncertainty, and constant change, fueled by the insatiable drive to accomplish and succeed, characterize the American landscape as never before.

More and more, the picture created by this mess is becoming "the American Dream." I find this pretty scary. So how can you live in the midst of chaos and complexity – without getting lost in it? One untapped tool that has the potential to offer dramatic relief is that of language.

After 30 years as a manager in high tech, and now as a Life Coach to managers and professionals, I've become acutely aware of the factors that negatively impact people's lives. My experience suggests that mastering the art of listening and speaking could do more, at work and at home, to (1) save time, (2) improve productivity, (3) reduce stress, and (4) enhance relationships with others than any other skills-based learning. (Skills-based learning appeals to most people because it doesn't ask them to do the deep, inner work so fundamental to lasting personal growth. We'll save that for another article.)

Humans are the only creatures on the planet who can change the course of their lives. We often fail to realize it, but the tool that affords us this opportunity is language. It is only through the use of language that we can envision, and then choose among, options that can change our course in life. Yet as powerful as language is, effective speaking and listening are rarely taught, recognized or valued in most organizations, or in life. So the one tool that could best leverage new possibilities for us may not even be in our tool box, leaving us rather impoverished in terms of this unique human capacity. No wonder we feel caught in a trap. Not only do we fail to master a tool that could make a difference in our lives, but we don't even know it's missing. And with the continued devaluing of language so evident in our schools and society, the situation worsens.

A Path Out

Communication is about connecting with others in a meaningful way. Since we're always "communicating," or so it would seem from the landscape of meetings, phone calls, e-mails, faxes and chatter that pervade most organizations (and homes), we perhaps should focus our attention on what constitutes "meaningful." At work, the standard measure of meaningful is that results are produced. Despite prevailing belief, connecting more effectively with others probably offers far greater leverage at producing sustainable results than does today's obsession with short-term financials. Since this article is about what you can do to make a difference in your life, and not how to "fix" business, let's take a closer look at the elements of excellent communication. Your effectiveness in the use of language is defined by your capability to:

• Listen effectively – to words, to unstated intent, to your own agenda in the matter, to your presence in the moment
• Make clear and powerful requests – for what you want to have happen, including when and how you want it
• Make clear and powerful promises – the standards to which you hold yourself accountable in all you do
• Monitor requests, promises, and the inevitable problems that occur along the way

Let's look at each one individually.

Listening

When you listen, you may think it's all about the words. It's not. Here are four basic components of how you listen.

• The words of the speaker. Powerful as words are, they comprise only a portion of the full message.
• The intent of the speaker. The envelope in which words are delivered includes mood, body language, voice tone and attitude –intent, as opposed to content. Often, content and intent don't match, complicating the picture further.
• Your agenda. Your own agenda in the matter will skew your listening, filtering what's said through your personal stake in the outcome, your mood, or your opinion of the speaker.
• Your presence. If your mind is somewhere else (perhaps on whatever you plan to say in response to what you hear), then you aren't even present to listen in the first place.

If you aren't connected to every component of the message, all the time, you miss, or misinterpret, what's being said. If you were connected, your results would skyrocket, simply because you'd not miss so much. Missing the message forces you to return to the same place over and over until you understand completely. A great listener is totally present, completely aware of, or without, his or her own agenda, and able to integrate the content and intent of the message, placing it all in a context relevant to the discussion at hand.

Speaking - The Art of Making Promises and Requests

There are three kinds of conversation in our world:

• Conversation for Results – Intended to produce action; made up of promises, requests, clear listening, and managing the problems that occur along the way. Example: "I need a Project Plan, in this format, by Monday noon; will you make that happen?"
• Conversation for Possibilities – Intended for learning, exploring new ideas, and generating opportunities for future action; made up of open-ended "brainstorming" and creative exploration. Example: "What do you feel is important as a legacy to leave your children?"
• Conversation for Conversation (or for B.S.) – Used for socializing, building rapport, having fun, idle chat, complaining; and conversation that doesn't fit either of the categories above. Example: "How's your family doing?" or "How come no one is ever nice to me?"

Each one of these ways of communicating has significant value. None is inherently better than another. What's important is to know which one is appropriate for your current situation, and which one you are having at any given moment. Unfortunately (and here is the cause of high stress and productivity loss), you're all too often not having a conversation for results when you most want and need one, or worse, when you think you are having one. You walk away expecting something, only to wake up to receiving nothing. All that was standing in your way of getting what you wanted was asking for it. See below on requests.

It's unlikely you have difficulty with Conversations for Possibility, or especially with Conversation for Conversation. So let's focus again on achieving results. All actions happen "in conversation." Even your getting up in the morning is the result of a [successful] conversation with yourself about how your day will unfold. It's helpful to create a model, or paradigm, for a successful conversation for results. What follows is a rather rigorous and formal approach to speaking. I'm not recommending either this formality or this rigidity. Nevertheless, every successful result ever achieved embodied every element of this structure, whether explicitly, implicitly, consciously or unconsciously. So will yours. Here's the model for both a request, and its response, a promise.

A request for result: "I request ‘x' in the form ‘y' by time ‘z'. Will you commit to that?" In this model, ‘x' is the result you are seeking, ‘y' is the condition of satisfaction, or what the result has to look like in order that you are satisfied, and ‘z' is the time for completion. If any element of the request is missing, you're likely to not get what you want, and thereby leave yourself open to dissatisfaction, as well as the need to do it again.

A promise: There are three acceptable responses to a request. Each is valid, as long as it's explicit and shared with the requester: (1) Yes, I'll do as you've requested (commitment; acceptance); (2) No, I won't do it (decline), or No, I can't commit to it as requested, but I can commit to the following (counter offer); (3) I can't commit now, but I'll get back to you tomorrow; is this OK? (commit to commit later). If , as a requester, you don't receive the clarity offered by any of these options, you aren't done with the conversation, and probably won't get what you want.

Breakdowns

OK, you've made a successful request. It's been met with an acceptable promise. The result is going to happen. A promise is a commitment. But things invariably go wrong along the way. Promises are made in good faith, but they cannot account for every rock that you may encounter along the path to completion. Breakdowns are interruptions to promises, i.e., a problem shows up on the way to fulfilling the promise. You've probably learned that problems are "bad things," and therefore should be hidden. But problems are harbingers of opportunity. All new invention comes out of problems. The bigger the promise you make, the bigger the breakdowns that are possible. Alternatively, if the biggest commitment you make is to have coffee with the Oprah show every day, the biggest breakdown you can have is running out of coffee (or losing your cable connection).

What do you do when something goes wrong? It's common to get stuck in "complaint" mode, lamenting the fact that things didn't go as planned. It's an emotional reaction to the interruption of your commitment. It's a normal response – as long as you don't decide to stay there. Your reaction to the breakdown means nothing in terms of fixing it. The only thing that will fix it is taking action. Only two questions move you from reaction to action: (1) "What's missing?" and (2) "What can I do now?" The answer usually involves renegotiating a promise (the previous section). Becoming an expert at managing breakdowns is not only crucial to producing successful results, but it can be easy and fun, once you get the hang of it.

Reviewing Promises, Requests and Breakdowns

Follow-up is critical to complete and effective communication. It's imperative that your "tool box" include a way to keep track of promises, requests and breakdowns. In this way, you'll have a simple process for knowing where everything is at any moment. Keep a log of all outstanding requests, the promises made against them, the "conditions of satisfaction," and the breakdowns that have occurred or could occur. Once you are skilled at doing this (all it takes is a bit of practice), then you'll not only be a great task master, but you'll even be able to anticipate breakdowns and put plans in place to handle them before they show up. You'll feel in control, and will eliminate a lot of stress and wasted time. To do this, establish a set time each week (or each day, depending on the kind of work you do), to review all major conversations you have in progress:

• For promises you've made to others: (1) what promises am I currently fulfilling? (2) what are the actions and/or conversations that have to happen to fulfill those promises? (3) what's missing for me in terms of fulfilling them? (4) what action can I take now to correct?
• For requests you've made of others: (1) What requests of mine are still outstanding? (2) what might I do to ensure their fulfillment? (3) what possible breakdowns could interrupt the fulfillment of this action? (4) what can I do now to prevent the anticipated damage.

You'll find, again with a little practice, that when you want something, you'll ask for it. When you ask for something, you'll ask in a way that is complete and clear. When you are complete and clear, you'll get what you want. And when you get what you want, you'll have less stress, more time, better relationships with those around you, higher quality results, and a smoother and easier life. You may even get home in time for dinner.